The finished article is nothing short of astonishing. A strange, shapeshifting puzzle-box of a record, it is chock-full of hidden melodies, recurrent motifs and sly mirror imagery. Yet it is compellingly coherent. At times the clash of virtuoso musicianship and emotional weight is dizzying. At others, the sound is stripped so far back you feel it in the chills running down your spine. There are tantalising questions in there, and there are gut-wrenching answers. Few of them, however, come easily. For some who have heard it, shock has given way to awe relatively quickly, but John himself confesses it took around 20 listens to fully comprehend what had been done.
“I didn’t choose to be a musician in order to live a risk-free life, safely avoiding bumps and bruises,” he wrote at the start of October 2012, bullish in the aftermath of the band’s devastating bus crash. “I didn’t choose to play music because it seemed like a simple opportunity to make some quick cash. Nor did I ever [assume] that things would get easier as we progressed.”
Unquestionably, now, that attitude is ingrained into his art.
“We can’t really get anywhere without taking risks,” he reaffirms, emboldened by the countless fans who have reached out, inspired by the bloodied but unbowed sentiment. “And if we’re taking risks, let’s take some big ones. If we fall on our ass, let’s do it in a way that we feel like we’ve accomplished something. That’s the risk of becoming more unique and individualistic. If no-one likes that honesty, the audience are effectively stating they don’t like you.”
Hardship breaks some and galvanises others. For John, though, it has been a liberation. When he seizes the day, it seizes him back.
“[This pain] hasn’t broken me yet. It hasn’t broken my spirit. It hasn’t broken my interest. It hasn’t broken my capacity to feel. It hasn’t bent my will towards doing the wrong thing or becoming overly self-destructive. But these scars are deep and indelible. There is a mental side – and one that’s almost spiritual. I wonder if I can hold on another five years? Another 20? Another 25 years? What’s the reality of that brink? That unknown becomes a fear. The only way for me to not feel that every moment of my life is to throw myself into these things that overpower it.”
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In that, he owes 10,000 grins of relief to his bandmates. It is a bittersweet mercy, he recognises, that his trauma is not one they share.
“The four of us get together, and we’re able to put energy and life and positivity into these things, even as adversities keep cropping up. They drive me to be a better musician. Even though I’m not 17 anymore, they help me discover each new song with the same enthusiasm and wonder I did as that younger man.”
A fleeting pause.
“I’m only learning these things as I’m saying them to you…” he smiles, underlining the value in freely expressing oneself as our conversation winds to a close. “That’s the exciting thing about doing records. Even where we’ve done our job to discover and expand and adapt, it opens up all these other things.”
All things considered, the desire to see what tomorrow brings is victory in itself. Brilliantly, the songs of Gold & Grey promise so much more: those experimental structures ripe for reinvention in the live arena and the barrier-busting precedent they’ve set daring their writers to grow further, to infinity and beyond.
“I’m excited,” John squints farewell against the 24-carat glow of a new dawn. “I’m psyched. This gives us a blank canvas and almost limitless palette going forward. There are still miles and miles and miles of territory yet to be covered.”
“Nobody thinks this is it. Nobody thinks we’ve finished anything…”
Gold & Grey is out now on Abraxan Hymns.