Beyond The Safe Word: 10 BDSM commandments that experts want kink newbies to know

**Toots trumpet, blows bugle and parps on the rusty trombone** Announcing the second instalment of Sauce Material, the series where Kerrang!’s very own professional sexplorer, Alix Fox, riffs on a topic ever-so-tenuously connecting music and sex in order to boost your knowledge in the bedroom and teach you all manner of tantalising, titillating lessons about the birds, the bees, and the trousersnakes that you definitely didn’t hear in school.

This month, she lays out 10 things that BDSM experts think everyone should consider before they begin exploring bondage, discipline, domination, submission, sadism, masochism, or almost any other type of play coming under the broad, rubbery umbrella of kink. (Top tip: an umbrella’s actually a surprisingly useful bit of kit to take to a kink club, particularly if you’re sitting on the front row during a performance by extreme entertainer Master Dominic and don’t want to get hit by a flume of fluids and peeled boiled eggs ejected with force from his bottom.)

The following are insights that S&M gurus view as vital to having rewarding and responsible kinky experiences, but that they don’t feel tend to be as widely known or discussed by beginners as other BDSM basics such as having a safe word, which is where we uncover exactly…

Hailing from Leeds, which makes them “Loiners”, although I can’t imagine they ever expected to be as directly linked with people’s loins as this article is about to make them, post-hardcore Kerrang! cover stars Static Dress were tipped by Kerrang! Radio’s Sophie K to be one of the biggest bands of 2022. At Download Pilot, they tore up the stage into julienne slices finer than a tax dodger’s shredded bank statements with a set that included their single Safeword. The chorus declares, 'So say the safe word / Tell me when to stop…'

As the lyrics suggest, a safe word is a clear signal, prearranged between sexual partners, that brings an immediate end to whatever activity’s going on as soon as anyone says it.

A safe word should be something you wouldn’t usually say during sex, so for me that rules out “Andy Biersack”. “No” is also a bad safe word, because if a partner asks, “Does that hurt?” or, “Do you want to stop?” and you reply, “No”, then you quickly end up more solidly in the Land Of Confusion than this Disturbed cover.

The excellently obscure “Pineapple” is a popular safe word option, while a survey by online adult store Lovehoney revealed “sea cucumber”, “platypus” and “Hufflepuff” to be other suitably abstract choices.

I personally recommend using the Traffic Light System, where “Red” means “Stop immediately”; “Orange” means “Slow down, ease up, and check in with me as I’m approaching the limits of what I’ll enjoy”; and “Green” means “All good, carry on Master Biersack”.

Establishing a safe word is usually one of the first things folks sexperimenting with kink learn about. It’s BDSM 101 – but to maximise not only how safe, but also how mutually satisfying your playtime is, there’s a lot more to reflect upon. The 10 rules I’m about to explore don’t constitute a comprehensive guide by any means, but they’re all things that the pros wish more newbies knew sooner in their erotic journeys.

Eleni Peitho is a clinical sexologist in training, and communications officer at Anatomie: a kink-positive event and educational space in London that’s also the UK’s only full-time school of ‘shibari’ – the art of Japanese rope bondage.

She notes that a lot of people have a simple awareness of consent based on a model like ‘The Tea Video’, which compares initiating sexual activity to offering someone a cuppa. Just because they said yes to a brew/blow job yesterday doesn’t mean you can force them to swallow one today; if you make them a PG Tips/start getting more-18+-than-PG and they change their mind about wanting it, you shouldn’t force them to carry on; and so on. But Eleni reckons you’d be a mug not to take your understanding further, and “to explore the nuances and grey areas of what truly informed consent looks like”.

“For example, there are many reasons the dynamic between two people exploring kink might have an underlying power imbalance,” she says. “Things like age, gender, skin colour, wealth, education, and level of experience – whether real or perceived. All of these add layers of complexity to how we relate to one another, and it’s super important for everyone to be aware both of their privileges and vulnerabilities when engaging in power play.”

Saying “no” to things, turning people down and enforcing our boundaries makes many of us feel awkward, so Eleni recommends deliberately practicing with your partner, both when you’re in ‘everyday chilled’ mode and ‘sexy times’ mode. “Play around with using your safe word before you truly need to, especially at the beginning of a relationship when trust is still being established,” she recommends.

“Understand the different things that might impact upon your ability to give and receive consent, like alcohol, drugs, and trauma responses,” she adds. If BDSM play happens to trigger a traumatic memory for someone, even subliminally, they might automatically respond by freezing, for example, or ‘fawning’: being ultra-nice and compliant towards someone perceived as an aggressor, to avoid them becoming upset or angry and causing further hurt. If these types of reactions kick in, they can make it difficult for a person to express that they’re not actually enjoying what’s happening and withdraw their consent, so it’s crucial that people have these risks on their radar and can look out for them proactively, as well as talking about known trauma triggers before playing.

Want to learn more? Resources Peitho rates include The Consent Checklist by Meg-John Barker, The Wheel of Consent by Betty Martin and Rachel Thompson’s book Rough.

Kayla Lords co-hosts the Loving BDSM podcast with John Brownstone, with whom she’s also the submissive lover in a “24/7 power exchange relationship”. Their pod and YouTube channel focus on “how to navigate the kink life in realistic ways” that are less about pie-in-the-sky raunchy fantasies, more about down-to-earth practicalities.

Kayla highlights that although safe words are supposed to help remove any uncertainty as to whether a moaned mid-session “Oh, stoppppp” means “Halt, there’s a problem”, or, “If you dare stop now I will sprinkle cheese on your Don Broco gig tickets, put them under the grill and burn them to a limited-edition cheddar-tinged sadness-flavour crisp”, you should still be able to say, “Stop right now”, “I don’t want this anymore”, or similar and be heeded. “If someone refuses to stop for anything but a safe word, that’s a major red flag,” she states.

It’s always best to err on the side of caution if you’re unsure whether someone’s okay; you can always start again if everything’s fine, and temporarily breaking the mood is better than breaking someone’s trust. “You’re not ruining a scene [a roleplay session] if you pause; it’s ruined if someone ends up unintentionally hurt or injured when it’s over,” underlines Kayla. Stopping isn’t a sign that a dominant partner is being wimpy: “Prioritising safety, caution and care rather than pushing to get your kink on is a sign of willpower, character and strength,” she says.

Get into the habit of asking, “Is this good?”, “Can I continue?” or your own sultry version of taking your playmate’s temperature during saucepottery to check they’re still hot for what’s happening. “We use the Traffic Light System, and my partner will lean in and sexily whisper, ‘Give me a colour’, which prompts me to assess where I’m at and if I’m still enjoying everything,” says Kayla. “If I can’t speak at all, he stops, because if I can’t answer a question like that, then he knows I can’t advocate for myself or flag a problem.”

A submissive might be rendered speechless if they’re freaking out, dissociating or ‘freezing’ as we mentioned previously, or they might be “floating in subspace” – a giddy, out-of-body, trancelike state that some people enter following BDSM play that’s flooded their body with adrenaline and endorphins. It can be really pleasant, but if you’re feeling mushier than a pea watching The Notebook, it can be harder to judge and articulate your limits.

Because people playing the submissive role are usually the ones being tied up/flogged/beaten on the botty with a rolled up Justin Bieber poster (if they’re into humiliation), we often focus on how important it is for them to be able to halt proceedings if they’re not lovin’ it. But dominant partners can absolutely stop play if they feel uncomfortable, weird or out of their depth, too, as well as if they’re worried about their sub. Safe words tell everyone, “Let’s pause, touch base, and maybe prepare to return to reality.”

Sarah Butcher is also known as @SubInTheCity, which kinda sounds like a themed sandwich shop where you could order a footlong ‘Samantha’ on I-couldn’t-help-but-Wonderbread with extra gherkins. But Sarah is actually a BDSM coach and kink educator, with over a decade of experience teaching curious folk how to tickle their pickles in risk-aware ways.

She stresses that thinking and talking about your desires and boundaries isn’t something you just do once, and then it’s sorted forevermore. “Setting limits and communicating before, during and after sex isn’t just for newbies, either – it’s an ongoing commitment for anyone wanting to play with kink, and should be revisited regularly no matter how long you’ve been practicing or whether you’re with the same partner or not,” Sarah says. “Our kinks evolve over time, and our moods and lusts change according to all sorts of factors.”

If all that constant planning and analysis seems more dry than your grandma’s cracked heel, “Think of reflection and discussion as part of your foreplay: remember that anticipation is a big part of the fun,” Sarah recommends. Tapping into each other’s minds to understand what makes you tick helps keep things fresh and thrillingly intense as well as being about safety.

Remember to chat about the language you love/hate during sex, as well as the physical activities. “Some people love being degraded and called humiliating names in a kinky context, for example, while others would be distraught,” says Kayla. “I have anxiety; being given cryptic orders without explanation makes me panicky, so my partner has learned how to give me clear commands that are enjoyable rather than making me anxious.”

“I discovered kink at university, and as an aspiring submissive too eager to please dominants I met, I wasn’t communicating my needs properly, which led to unpleasant and even dangerous experiences,” recalls Sarah. “BDSM can be a great tool for catharsis and escapism, but I was doing it for the wrong reasons, to search for validation from others.”

Kayla explains the phenomenon of ‘Sub Frenzy’, where someone is so excited to submit to a partner or realise a fantasy that they become frantic and are more likely to make poor decisions, like “acting out of character, meeting total strangers without taking precautions, or believing they don’t have any limits”. If it appears that someone has lost their cool and become blinkered by feverish delirium, it’s time to chill things out.

Lara, AKA Divine Theratrix, is a qualified counsellor and lawyer, who also works as “a mentor for people who want 
to explore BDSM as a vehicle for positive emotional experiences, self-discovery, affirmation and fun”. She’s just launched ‘adult play centre’ Centaur Studios in Hackney, London.

She encourages people to be curious and inquisitive about what a particular kink actually looks like to a potential partner, rather than assuming you both have the same picture in your head. “For example, imagine a guy who starts dating a woman who’s into DDLG,” she says. ‘DDLG’ stands for ‘Daddy Dom Little Girl’: a form of roleplay between two consenting adults with a dominant, fatherly male figure and a submissive who may be innocent, bratty, cutesy, or otherwise embody youthful or babyish characteristics. “In his mind, DDLG might look like him commanding his partner to bend over so he can spank her bare bottom, whereas she actually wants to be brought a snack and snuggled under a blanket on the sofa.” There’s a huge spectrum of how one kink may be interpreted. Guesses = messes.

“Imagine how you might deliver a spanking to someone who wants to feel naughty, vs. someone who wants to feel vulnerable,” Divine Theatrix continues. “If you don’t ask your play partner how they want to feel [as well as whether they want to be smacked, stroked, etc], you might miss a key piece of information that unlocks a beautiful experience.”

Miss Erica Storm, AKA Madame Storm, is an international dominatrix who trains other women in how to feel confident and empowered by dominant play.

She puts the ‘dom’ in ‘wisdom’ by saying, “Training in the art of BDSM is both sexually liberating and has amazing transferable skills: it teaches you self-control and communication skills, sharpens your instincts, and deepens your knowledge of psychology… but one big misconception about it is that you have to be a cruel bitch to be a dominant female in the bedroom.”

You don’t have to be meaner and nastier than the Grinch’s farts if that doesn’t feel authentic and appealing to you. Indeed, the foundation of being a great dominant is to be caring and conscientious. I used to work as a compere at female worship fetish party Club Pedestal, and my schtick was to be extremely polite and sweet to male slaves but insist upon strict politeness in return, and to indulge and assert myself by delivering verbose, off-the-wall jokes about men who wanted to be disgraced that were creative and affectionate rather than downright horrible. Sharing cheeky laughter with Ms Fox made subs feel there was a special, unique connection, and I felt comfortable and revved up by leaning into a character I could really make my own.

Dr. Ashley Haymond recently completed her doctorate at Widener University Center for Human Sexuality Studies. Her research focuses on bystander intervention in the BDSM community, e.g. officials or onlookers interrupting a scene at a fetish club if they see something that looks more dangerously “uh-oh” than “oh yeahhhh”.

“I see a lot of advice on exploring BDSM as a couple, but much less on how single people interested in exploring kink for the first time can meet potential partners in ways that may improve the likelihood of safe and satisfying encounters,” Dr. Haymond says.

“There are websites [like Fetlife, and apps, like Feeld] that introduce people interested in BDSM to one another; chatting online and meeting in private for a first encounter can work out well for some people,” she concedes. But there are also a whole host of workshops, group play spaces, clubs, markets and munches (laidback, non-sexual gatherings where people interested in kink can socialise without any sauciness taking place on site), where you can meet peeps in the flesh, and benefit from their knowledge and safeguarding. “These are potentially safer environments than being alone in a home or hotel room,” advises Dr. Haymond. “Playing with a new partner at a dungeon may seem awkward, and you do give up a little privacy, but you gain a roomful of people who will likely notice if something goes off the rails. Many dungeons have trained volunteers called dungeon monitors whose sole job is to notice when something’s going wrong. This can also be useful for more experienced players trying something new for the first time, like someone skilled with bondage rope trying their first rope suspension.”

Check out Manchester Alternative Market, Club Verboten, and Crossbreed for starters.

And there you have it, superhumans: how to go from a Static Dress single to being dramatically less simple about kink. Ta-da!

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